Happy Enough
by RT4ever
Summary: Rory's thought running rampant after her mother's missed graduation and the following story
1. Default Chapter

Happy Enough  
  
Rory~  
  
I'm a horrible child. I know this without a doubt. I missed my mother's graduation for what? To spend time with Jess in a record store? And then what does she tell me? She tells me I like him. I have a boyfriend doesn't she see that? And doesn't she see how wrong he is for me? He's worse than Tristan, okay that's a lie, but I could resist Tristan. Okay I could resist Tristan even though I checked him out at least twenty times during each class and had day dreams that could make my mother blush, oh and the night ones….  
  
AHHH focus Rory, focus on what a bad daughter you are, focus on what the hell is wrong with you. Focus on why it is you've suddenly had enough to take a break from your seemingly perfect existence. Is it because you've finally had enough? You've seen too much of life pass you by, to not stop and do something insane, something not perfect. It wasn't so bad was it? It wasn't as if you chased after Tristan who liked every girl in school. No it was just Jess and he wanted only you.  
  
He wasn't a player, he wasn't a charmer, no he was a compromise between what you should have and what you wanted…..  
  
AH again, why does Tristan always come into this? You don't want Tristan, you don't want Tristan, you don't want to call every military school in the country until you find him. No bad Rory, bad.  
  
Gee Jess really isn't looking so bad at the moment. So what if he doesn't have the dirty blonde hair, or those eyes that you could lose yourself in for days or the ability to turn you into a sappy greeting card about love. You don't want that. Who wants that? I mean yea everyone always says that they do. But don't they really want control over their lives more?  
  
No this is the perfect compromise as ridiculous as it sounds. He's enough of what you shouldn't have to make you happy, sure not insanely blissfully happy, but you could talk about books instead of reading them on your date.  
  
God this is ridiculous. You have Dean, wonderful, perfect Dean. Remember the thrill he gave you at the beginning before you ever started Chilton?  
  
Remember how that all changed when you couldn't deny that something was wrong until he wanted you to say those three little words? But you did it Rory, you were strong once, you overcame your desire to run away and said those words. You fought all of your feelings because you knew they were wrong and you did what was right.  
  
Well right according to your brain at least, it's funny how your heart it still trying to destroy it. It kind of makes you wonder if Jess is the real reason behind this and not just a means to an end, an acceptable end. Not leaving your boyfriend for a player, a heartless bastard of a guy. So what if when he talked, he talked as if you were the only girl in the school. He was a player, that's what they did. When his eyes locked with yours, it was just another ploy. The getting angry and jealous over Dean, that was just because you had rejected him and he couldn't stand that.  
  
So what if you were the only person you spoke to before he got shipped away, would you really want to talk to Summer or something like that? The dreams about him, were all his fault, he was a player, he was damn good at making girls fall for him and that's what you did, you couldn't resist him charms, it was humanly impossible to.  
  
It's his fault that you aren't happy with Dean, that you're doing everything in your power to destroy your relationship with him, even though you're telling yourself you're not. It's his fault you cry sometimes at night and find him popping up in your thoughts at the most random times. This is all his fault, the fighting with your mother, the allowing Jess to drive your car, the following him to NY on your mother's graduation day. This is all his fault. But you'll show him, you have to Rory, he'll eventually come back and he'll see you leading your perfect life and he'll never know he effected you, he'll never know…just like you'll never know what in means to be truly happy, only happy enough. 


	2. Smile At The World

Smile at the World  
  
Ch.2---Hmm okay see now it was mentioned by a reader that they would have used Jess and Dean in the story, that those are the two guys she could be thinking about. But no this is me, the moment I saw Tristan, okay big lie.I loved Dean, that was the guy I wanted all my life, but then there's Tristan and when they had him fall for her, they showed this amazing potential in him, they also showed he's the kind of guy you fall for and I mean fall for bad (You've all been there I'm sure), the kind you don't want to want, but can't stop yourself. Aah I know what you're going to say now, well isn't that what happened with Jess? No look at Jess and look at Tristan, they're both bright underneath it all, they're both scarred, but who do you want to throw to the floor? The correct answer here was Tristan if you missed it. Damn that boy's just too hot, he's what obsessions are made of. The boy that you know will break your heart, but it just makes you want him more.Okay enjoy :-D  
  
Jess smiles at me through the window; I smile back. I wonder if it shows to world how fake it is? It doesn't seem to show to him. I feel horrible all the time now it seems, I hated hurting Dean when I broke up with him after my trip to Washington. I partially enjoyed sneaking around with Jess for those first few weeks afterwards before I was ready to let the town and my mother in on the fact that we were a couple. "A Couple" god those words make me want to throw up, but I just continue smiling. Lane suspects nothing is wrong in my world as she asks if I want to go in and see him. I tell her we'll stop in after we pick up the movie. We just continue walking and she babbles on.  
  
Is that a totally horrible thing to say about your best friend? "She babbles on." I mean I should be listening, I should be caring, but I just can't bring myself to. All I can do is think about my problems, correction my problem. Tristan, everything else they were just ways to try to fix it, they have all failed. I'm living in misery. I've not only hurt Dean, but now I've dragged Jess into it. I pretend to care, I pretend to love and adore him, I laugh at his jokes that I enjoyed when I was his friend, but as his girlfriend I wanted to bash my head into the nearest rock, tree, garden gnome, I'd rather eat my mother's cooking than listen to yet another one of his rants about the world.  
  
All I see when I look at him is everything he isn't and what he isn't is Tristan, just as Dean could never be him. The smart thing to do would be break up with Jess and just let go of guys for awhile, better to be alone and look pathetic to the town, the school, to him, then make someone else suffer right?  
  
No, I think with a shake of my head. I will not be alone; I will not let Jess go, not if Tristan's going to be there when I walk into class tomorrow morning. I want him to see just how happy I am, I want him to suffer as he's made me suffer. Show him I don't need or want him, that I found happiness with a guy that's everything he said Dean wasn't everything he thought he was. Who cares that it's a big fat lie?  
  
He won't know, Jess won't know, no one will know.and I'll drive him insane as I'm everything to Jess that I will never be to him.  
  
I'm obsessed aren't I?  
  
Hmmm, wow didn't really realize that all the way. I mean yea sure I want to slam the head of all those skanky little whores that drool all over him into the locker. But that isn't obsession is it? That's just a tiny little bit of jealousy because you aren't stupid enough to fall for his shit and you wish you were. You wish you could believe his words, his lies. His lies of his feelings for you.He has to be lying or even if he isn't they're just words, he won't change for you.  
  
He can't.  
  
People don't become someone else, leopards don't change their spots, even though you wish they could.  
  
Just stay strong Rory, stay strong. You'll survive tomorrow; you'll survive the rest of the year, just like you'll survive your life without him. Without the only one you'll ever want. 


	3. Smile At Me

Smile at Me Ch.3  
  
I knew that Paris wasn't wrong when she said Tristan would be back this year the moment I enter through those doors.  
  
Could I feel him? Or could I feel the vibe of those around, who were so excited by the return of their favorite. Either way I knew he was here and it was just a matter of time before I saw him again. I don't bother going to my locker, I'm late as it is. And this is only a half a day, it's to ease us into the school year.  
  
I go to Mrs. Winter's AP English class, it's going to be a hell of a way to start off my day. There are five kids in the class already, the seats are arranged in a semi-circle, meaning she expects participation, but there's no teacher or Tristan as of yet. How quickly that changes within five minutes another dozen kids enter the class and the teacher. The first bell has rung, soon followed by the second bell, that's when he shows up. With a smile on his face he says hello to the teacher, she's so charmed so forgets that he's late on the first day, he takes a seat in the front, the same row as me and we're separated by only one person. He hasn't looked at me yet though, does he even realize I'm there?  
  
Does he care?  
  
I can barely see him, I especially can't see him without looking obvious, so I turn my attention the best I can to the teacher.  
  
I suddenly realize that I am still not listening to the teacher and only the thoughts in my head. Is she saying something about Shakespeare, stop Rory, stop right now, don't think about Romeo and Juliet. Focus!  
  
Death scenes she's talking about death scenes, she's going to make people read different death scenes. Now the question is am I afraid she'll give Tristan and I the Romeo and Juliet scene or afraid that she won't?  
  
She starts out with the first row and begins to go across. Othello she says to the first two people in the row, that's when I realize Tristan and I won't be together, Hamlet goes next, we're at me now and she says Anthony and Cleopatra, my neighbor then in a horse voice explains the lose of his voice after an Eminem concert the previous night, delight fills me, followed by fear as she pairs Tristan and I together. She hands us our books and I start reading the lines as she continues handing out the plays.  
  
I've read this play before. I wonder if it suits us more than Romeo and Juliet did? In my opinion they're two totally foolish characters who could have been happy. He kills himself rather than accept defeat, he destroys himself for her, then as he's almost at death's door she goes on and on instead of letting him speak, giving her audience the absolute perfect show of a grieving lover because is always a show and you cannot let yourself be honest and real. I try to focus on the two couples that go before us, but it's impossible. We're ready to go and he still hasn't looked at me, he stands as soon as the other couple starts to walk back over to their seats. His back is turned to me as he begins and catches me off guard, he turns though as he says his lines, still no smile.  
  
ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, dying; only I here importune death awhile, until Of many thousand kisses the poor last I lay upon thy lips.  
  
CLEOPATRA. I dare not, dear,-- Dear my lord, pardon,--I dare not, Lest I be taken: not the imperious show Of the full-fortun'd Caesar ever shall Be brooch'd with me; if knife, drugs, serpents, have Edge, sting, or operation, I am safe; Your wife Octavia, with her modest eyes And still conclusion, shall acquire no honour Demuring upon me.--But come, come, Antony,-- Help me, my women,--we must draw thee up; Assist, good friends.  
  
ANTONY. O, quick, or I am gone.  
  
CLEOPATRA. Here's sport indeed!--How heavy weighs my lord! Our strength is all gone into heaviness; That makes the weight: had I great Juno's power, The strong-wing'd Mercury should fetch thee up, And set thee by Jove's side. Yet come a little,-- Wishers were ever fools,--O come, come;  
  
[They draw ANTONY up.]  
  
And welcome, welcome! die where thou hast liv'd: Quicken with kissing: had my lips that power, Thus would I wear them out.  
  
ALL. A heavy sight!  
  
ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, dying: Give me some wine, and let me speak a little.  
  
CLEOPATRA. No, let me speak; and let me rail so high That the false huswife Fortune break her wheel, Provok'd by my offence.  
  
ANTONY. One word, sweet queen: Of Caesar seek your honour, with your safety.--O!  
  
CLEOPATRA. They do not go together.  
  
ANTONY. Gentle, hear me: None about Caesar trust but Proculeius.  
  
CLEOPATRA. My resolution and my hands I'll trust; None about Caesar.  
  
ANTONY. The miserable change now at my end Lament nor sorrow at: but please your thoughts In feeding them with those my former fortunes Wherein I liv'd, the greatest prince o' the world, The noblest; and do now not basely die, Not cowardly put off my helmet to My countryman, a Roman by a Roman Valiantly vanquish'd. Now my spirit is going: I can no more.  
  
CLEOPATRA. Noblest of men, woo't die? Hast thou no care of me? shall I abide In this dull world, which in thy absence is No better than a sty?--O, see, my women,  
  
[Antony dies.]  
  
The crown o' the earth doth melt.--My lord!-- O, wither'd is the garland of the war, The soldier's pole is fallen: young boys and girls Are level now with men: the odds is gone, And there is nothing left remarkable Beneath the visiting moon.  
  
  
  
I pretend to faint, with a hand to my head and a little swoon. I open my eyes again and the class is smiling, then I see him out of the corner of my eye and he's got that smirky little grin on his face that's always made me want to swoon. It's real now, Tristan's back, now here goes making his life just a little distressing, after all, it's just payback, he's messed with my head, now it's my turn to mess with his. 


End file.
